To my husband ...Another chapter

I've been neglecting my blog. Not intentionally, but as some of you know , we've had some stuff going on. Nothing of course , that we can't get through. Life is about challenges and getting through them, and that's exactly what we've been doing, and going through them only makes us stronger as individual's and together.

None of us are perfect, but are we suppose to be? We live our lives always searching for something better, but we sometimes forget to look at what is right in front of use and to relize that what we have is exactly what we need. That is what I did. For a long time I kept picking out what was wrong with Eric. I think I was looking for a reason to leave, or for him to leave me. I was certain that this wasn't the life I was suppose to lead. I wanted something better. It took Eric himself to make me see that this is the life I was suppose to have, that he is the best for me. We've been through so many chapters together and I was being so selfish that I sit and wonder now, I don't deserve him, maybe he deserves better.

Marriage isn't about finding the perfect love, it's about finding the best inside one of another. It's about going through the rain and sunshine together, crying together, holding one another when the other is sad, and listening to each other even if you have no intrest in exactly what they are talking about. It's about being there for each other, and loving one another , even when you are mad at one another.

When Eric and I got married the preacher asked us what we loved one another and you could write a book on all the things he said he loved about me. When the preacher got to me I froze. I could not verbalize it. I left there feeling so empty because I could not answer. It's something to this day that bugs to this day. I often wonder if he thinks about that . I know what i wanted to say, i wanted to say that i love Eric because he completes me. When I feel like I'm failing he' there to prove me otherwise. He knows me inside out and can tell me what i'm thinking without saying a word. Not only is he a great man, he's a great father, friend, son, husband and author. He's everything I'm not. When he's not happy I can't not rest until I can fix it. I love Eric because he is Eric and nothing more or less. He makes me who I am every day, and to him I am thankful.

Today is Eric's last day of being a stay at home dad. I am quiting my job and will be staying home. He will be working now. He has done a fantastic job staying home. He has cooked, changed diapers, made beds, scrubbed floors and done all the things that I felt should have been my job. I love him even more for it.

This morning I was greeted to breakfast in bed. Can you say, awww? And while i lay there staring at my plate of food I wondered what i did to deserve this.

I can't wait to take on more chapters of my life, with him right beside me the whole time.

THIS IS NOT MY LIFE

THIS IS NOT MY LIFE
An apology to all…
Let me start by saying that we all have darkness, we share it. Lately I’ve breathed it. I’ve recently downloaded Metallica’s new album Death Magnetic, and the first song entitled this was just your life leaves me with a rhetorical look on life. I think people take their lives forgranted. And they miss out on many great things. Waking up with my kids and being there for them isn’t routine. It’s magical. Being there day to day for my wife isn’t supposed to be repetitive. It’s supposed to be the light for all that darkness.

I recently snooped on my wife and found out that she’s done nothing wrong. It was I all along. You see, after awhile-married couples, or even unmarried couples that have been together for awhile-let time be their factor. When you grow comfortable with one another is often grand, but remember I think it’s necessary to always be alert and ready to customize your feelings. You see, I’ve learned in the past few days that if there is something wrong with your loved one concerning feelings, hardships or anything at all, it is best to get these things off your chest. After all, love costs heartbeats. They’re not free. Every beat is for something worthy. Make sure your heart doesn’t beat alone. It can be a lonely place.

I realized that as an author, I’ve not succeeded in life. A lot of people seem to like my work, others hate it. That’s no longer important to me. I have one more novel coming out in the future, and it’s my last. But I’m not writing anymore. This is something I’ve already completed. My wife made it clear to me not by her telling me, but by me reflecting on the past that I was to blame. All I ever cared about was books, signings, and other publishing atrocities. Sure I loved my wife, I’d do anything for her then, but I didn’t feel my wife. I didn’t feel her needs. I didn’t listen to her. When she just wanted to talk about her day, mine seemed more important. When she just wanted to watch television together, I was on the computer writing make believing romance, when I could’ve had the real thing.

What I’m trying to say is that love is not something you should take forgranted ever. I’ve learned that books and hobbies and striving to be wealthy and famous is not important. And what’s more important is that I already wrote a best seller. It’s the vowels I wrote for Johnna on our wedding day. Somewhere I lost sight of the real Eric Enck. The one who just wanted to have fun and be a family man. The working class (often psychotic) guy who can’t wait to get off work to be with his family.

I have that now.

I’ve given up writing, books and bullshit for what’s important to me and to Johnna, and that thing is us. And my advice is that the greatest commitment to love, is sacrifice. I think every one of us at one point or another has a cross to climb onto, and marks in our wrists.
Writing books used to be just my life.
But my life is so much more now. Books and business used to take the place of those heartbeats. But now …I can’t wait to see her every night and morning. I want to hold her so close to me. I want my wife and kids to be just my life.
I was so wrong…
But now I’m better.

I apologize to everyone who has had to put up with my troubles, and me and my immaturity. The selfish monster inside of me has died, and something else has come to birth.

As for being a dad, yesterday I went over to a friend’s house to get a bed for my daughter. A temporary fix. It’s a really nice futon. Not so nice when you bring it home in the pouring rain.
I also realized how much I enjoy smoking cigarettes, especially when Mason drives me crazy. It’s kinda nice.

Not so nice when you have to pick up over 300 butts off the ground…
Since writing has more or less consumed me over the years and now that I have my family back, I’m going to work at it everyday and do the right thing. Not because I want to, but because this is my life.
And I love everyone in it.

And I would die without Johnna. Every heartbeat I can hear now. And she's the one who makes it beat...

Eric Enck-

It's all about the kids

I had the worst week of my life. One of the best weeks with my kids. I've come to the realization that no one understands me. This isn't a pity party or a plea for help. People who know me know I like to write. If you choose to be that bored to read this, thank you...

My children are the best things to ever happen to me. I realized that this week when I made errors in my ways in sneaking in the dark, and looking for my wife's cellphone. As a married man, I sometimes get the feeling that she's cheating on me. It overcomes me often. The reason is I feel worthless at home. I help hundreds of people with their work in literature. I help my kids try to see the way life should be. Even though I'm probably wrong.

I've been fighting with my wife a lot lately. I'm jealous of her all "Male" friends. Sometimes she secretly texts them ( or so I think) and although I believe it is healthy to have friends in a marriage, I also deem it healthy for a married couple to have primarily those same friends. I certainly don't think she would like it if I had "female" friends. And using any deliberations as an excuse is not so.

Moreover it's about my children.

I know my wife has fallen out of love with me. I know it because she partially seeks a new life with a new man, and I know it's because the taste for a life free of children sometimes surmises all of our taste buds. I know she says yes when she really means no. And she does it all for her kids. I know she would leave me in a heartbeat and never look back. I know all this...because I left her down.

There is no ways to fix a broken heart. It's either my children or suicide. Without my kids I'm nothing. if I did have a friend of the "female" persuasion and my wife wanted me to stop I would immediately, yet, the men keep getting stacked on the totem pole of egotistical raz. I can only hope whomever she finds in her new life supersedes anything I have to offer, which...evidently is nothing...

I spent the last few days being mad at her, when I really should've been mad at myself. I could've prevented it. Part of me thinks this is just a phase. part of me believes she will leave me very soon, or in fact would've already if it wouldn't be for the children.

Some of you know the truth.

I don't realize that I screw up sometimes, or that I really fail when I think I'm succeeding. No one cares about me anymore. And I don't blame them one bit. My mother is fake, just to get her problems fixed. I'm fake towards my mother to fix those problems. I am very vulnerable because I've gone from being a hard working man of society to a two bit hack writer who stays awake at night hoping that my wife won't leave me for one of the "male" friends she has begotten.

On the other hand, I pray that she at least lets me stay here so I can watch my children grow. I don't know where I went wrong. But I've seen some pretty terrible things lately, and I am tired of it all.

So this...my fellow readers will probably be my last entry. I feel uncomfortable talking about what hides inside me. My biggest concern is a child without its real father. I went through that when I was young.

And as the old saying goes...If you love something so much...let it go. Maybe it comes back to you.

I'm going to a Irish Pub tonight with my wife. I have some drinking to do. After that, the world ends. I want to put this out in the open so everyone knows the downright blue-collar truth. I would do anything for my family. ANYTHING. And if I have to leave my home to make them feel right again, I'll do that as well. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. What matters is those children.

I guess my fortune was right from last week.

"everything ends..."

I've relized...

That people are going to judge you no matter what

That if you tell someone yes once, they are going to keep expecting it from you

That magic erasers don't really get marker off the wall

no matter how much you clean it's never "spotless"

Grocery's cost way to much

If I had anymore kids I'd have to be put away


Excdrine migrane works great

it's just way to hard to keep my car clean

i hate my job and want/need a new one

I'm so glad school is starting back for Mason

I need a nap

Friday Five...

Five things I did today...

1. Went grocery shopping and spent way to much money

2. Had lunch at a chinese buffett

3. Cleaned my disgusting bathroom

4. Put chicken in the crockpot

5. Took something for this headache I have

Diary of a stay at home dad part 3

So here we are, another week of absolute fun!
Monday August 25th.
This day was pretty uneventful. Except we did adopt Katie. ( Not really) A 10-year old space cadet who runs on Duracell batteries. Her questions are not without praise.
" Are you an author?"
" Yes."
" What kind of books do you write?"
" Ones you can read."
She is a good kid. Annoying.
Tuesday August 26th.
I always make sure my wife can sleep in, especially if she works late the night before. I rely on Mallory of course. If Mallory were paid for performance she would be given a weekly raise. She managed to replace my pillow with her body. I awoke with her giggling. I made coffee, shut the bedroom door so Johnna could sleep. Did my usual routine of dishes and finding something edible for breakfast. Last week I went to pour milk in my coffee but the milk fell in. Mason asked me something different for a change. He asked me if I liked Pokemon. The weird feeling of discourse followed by Déjà vu is filling my barren subconscious with insanity.
The new thing is Bakugon. I can’t wait to meet the owner of the Toy Company and shake his hand. And then I’ll take him out to dinner where I will appropriately strangle him with a piano wire. I spent the day yelling "STOP IT"! to both my kids. Mason is very passive. Mallory isn’t. Even though she’s 2 years old, she bullies Mason. When I tell her to stop, she does. It lasts a whole five minutes. I never had these problems with Mason. Mason’s a good kid trapped in a world that I fear for him. Mallory is Satan trapped in a cute kid’s body. I do love them both!
Wednesday August 27th
You art fans may think the legendary Bob Ross has died. While doing some walking around my own home, I found out Bob Ross is alive! I guess it’s hard to remember how to paint though. I guess when you’re undead, your skills aren’t what they used to be. Five of our walls are illustrated with red magic marker squibbles. I also found out Bob Ross came back as a little cute girl smiling and holding a magic marker in her hand. Cleaning marker off the walls is just about as much fun as a proctologist exam on a nude beach…
Thursday August 28th
Why do kids ( after you’ve told them a million times that you don’t like Pokemon not only ignore it, ) they actually ask you what color you like better? I guess I’d have to say red would be the color I pick. Because it’s the only color I’ve been seeing lately. In the meantime, Johnna has me rolling with laughter when I say, calmly
" Mason, go play. I don’t like pokemon."
" It’s not Pokemon…it’s Bakugon …fucker!" My wife says with laughter.
Oh Johnna.
I stayed home with the kids. Magic eraser, Mr. Fucking clean sucks according to my wife.
" I thought it was supposed to get the stuff off the walls?" she says.
" Cleans up all the possibilities…my ass," she says.
She went out with a bunch of friends and saw a hip hop concert with some famous hip hopsters while I stayed home with an all star performance of Mallory and Mason’s mess up the living room show! Tickets are on sale all day. And you’ll get a history lesson FOR FREE on Pokemon!. While I respect all forms of music. Hip Hop, Rap, and Country are not on my list of listening pleasure. Still, anything is better than Mallory screaming, whining, and Mason living in a cartoon.
While eating at a Chinese restaurant today I happened upon several dishes of delicacies. Johnna and I engaged in a conversation about adult tidings. ( Sex) mostly. It was then when it was made clear how simple all life can be, if you think like your children. While at the climax of our conversation, Johnna and I were having a friendly debate. That was, until Mason chimed in with a relative question.
" Hey dad, would…would it hurt if you ripped all the feathers out of a peacock?"
We laughed of course. I envy my kids because life at the age of adolescence is so innocent. You are a sponge. And you absorb everything. We got fortune cookies at the end of our meal. Everyone opened theirs, even Mallory, who for once, pulled the fortune out of the cookie before grinding it up in her mouth.
So I’ll end this week’s diary on what my fortune said. It was short, weird, and undeniably creepy.
" Everything ends

20 things about me

1. I had my first child at 20

2. I've had 4 surgery's

3. I have a tatoo on my lower back of a j

4. I have always been overweight

5. I smoke

6. I've been trying to quit for a few months now

7. that i started back this past nov and it was the dumbest thing I've ever done

8. I love to play sing star with Mason on ps2

9. My hubby does more cleaning then i do

10. I haven't worn a dress in probably a year

11. My fav months are Oct - Dec

12. Eric and I weren't married when we had Mason

13. We got married 4 years later

14. I have been to church in a few months

15. I have family in Missouri that i haven't seen since my grandmother passed away almost 3 years ago

16. I hear strange noises outside my window right now and it's creeping me out

17. I can't wait for Monday because my fav show comes back!

18. I am dreading fall even though i love it because I don't want to rake leaves

19. Iam going to cry when I turn 30

20 . I sleep on the left side of the bed (if you are looking at it)