Diary of a stay at home dad part 3

So here we are, another week of absolute fun!
Monday August 25th.
This day was pretty uneventful. Except we did adopt Katie. ( Not really) A 10-year old space cadet who runs on Duracell batteries. Her questions are not without praise.
" Are you an author?"
" Yes."
" What kind of books do you write?"
" Ones you can read."
She is a good kid. Annoying.
Tuesday August 26th.
I always make sure my wife can sleep in, especially if she works late the night before. I rely on Mallory of course. If Mallory were paid for performance she would be given a weekly raise. She managed to replace my pillow with her body. I awoke with her giggling. I made coffee, shut the bedroom door so Johnna could sleep. Did my usual routine of dishes and finding something edible for breakfast. Last week I went to pour milk in my coffee but the milk fell in. Mason asked me something different for a change. He asked me if I liked Pokemon. The weird feeling of discourse followed by Déjà vu is filling my barren subconscious with insanity.
The new thing is Bakugon. I can’t wait to meet the owner of the Toy Company and shake his hand. And then I’ll take him out to dinner where I will appropriately strangle him with a piano wire. I spent the day yelling "STOP IT"! to both my kids. Mason is very passive. Mallory isn’t. Even though she’s 2 years old, she bullies Mason. When I tell her to stop, she does. It lasts a whole five minutes. I never had these problems with Mason. Mason’s a good kid trapped in a world that I fear for him. Mallory is Satan trapped in a cute kid’s body. I do love them both!
Wednesday August 27th
You art fans may think the legendary Bob Ross has died. While doing some walking around my own home, I found out Bob Ross is alive! I guess it’s hard to remember how to paint though. I guess when you’re undead, your skills aren’t what they used to be. Five of our walls are illustrated with red magic marker squibbles. I also found out Bob Ross came back as a little cute girl smiling and holding a magic marker in her hand. Cleaning marker off the walls is just about as much fun as a proctologist exam on a nude beach…
Thursday August 28th
Why do kids ( after you’ve told them a million times that you don’t like Pokemon not only ignore it, ) they actually ask you what color you like better? I guess I’d have to say red would be the color I pick. Because it’s the only color I’ve been seeing lately. In the meantime, Johnna has me rolling with laughter when I say, calmly
" Mason, go play. I don’t like pokemon."
" It’s not Pokemon…it’s Bakugon …fucker!" My wife says with laughter.
Oh Johnna.
I stayed home with the kids. Magic eraser, Mr. Fucking clean sucks according to my wife.
" I thought it was supposed to get the stuff off the walls?" she says.
" Cleans up all the possibilities…my ass," she says.
She went out with a bunch of friends and saw a hip hop concert with some famous hip hopsters while I stayed home with an all star performance of Mallory and Mason’s mess up the living room show! Tickets are on sale all day. And you’ll get a history lesson FOR FREE on Pokemon!. While I respect all forms of music. Hip Hop, Rap, and Country are not on my list of listening pleasure. Still, anything is better than Mallory screaming, whining, and Mason living in a cartoon.
While eating at a Chinese restaurant today I happened upon several dishes of delicacies. Johnna and I engaged in a conversation about adult tidings. ( Sex) mostly. It was then when it was made clear how simple all life can be, if you think like your children. While at the climax of our conversation, Johnna and I were having a friendly debate. That was, until Mason chimed in with a relative question.
" Hey dad, would…would it hurt if you ripped all the feathers out of a peacock?"
We laughed of course. I envy my kids because life at the age of adolescence is so innocent. You are a sponge. And you absorb everything. We got fortune cookies at the end of our meal. Everyone opened theirs, even Mallory, who for once, pulled the fortune out of the cookie before grinding it up in her mouth.
So I’ll end this week’s diary on what my fortune said. It was short, weird, and undeniably creepy.
" Everything ends