It's all about the kids

I had the worst week of my life. One of the best weeks with my kids. I've come to the realization that no one understands me. This isn't a pity party or a plea for help. People who know me know I like to write. If you choose to be that bored to read this, thank you...

My children are the best things to ever happen to me. I realized that this week when I made errors in my ways in sneaking in the dark, and looking for my wife's cellphone. As a married man, I sometimes get the feeling that she's cheating on me. It overcomes me often. The reason is I feel worthless at home. I help hundreds of people with their work in literature. I help my kids try to see the way life should be. Even though I'm probably wrong.

I've been fighting with my wife a lot lately. I'm jealous of her all "Male" friends. Sometimes she secretly texts them ( or so I think) and although I believe it is healthy to have friends in a marriage, I also deem it healthy for a married couple to have primarily those same friends. I certainly don't think she would like it if I had "female" friends. And using any deliberations as an excuse is not so.

Moreover it's about my children.

I know my wife has fallen out of love with me. I know it because she partially seeks a new life with a new man, and I know it's because the taste for a life free of children sometimes surmises all of our taste buds. I know she says yes when she really means no. And she does it all for her kids. I know she would leave me in a heartbeat and never look back. I know all this...because I left her down.

There is no ways to fix a broken heart. It's either my children or suicide. Without my kids I'm nothing. if I did have a friend of the "female" persuasion and my wife wanted me to stop I would immediately, yet, the men keep getting stacked on the totem pole of egotistical raz. I can only hope whomever she finds in her new life supersedes anything I have to offer, which...evidently is nothing...

I spent the last few days being mad at her, when I really should've been mad at myself. I could've prevented it. Part of me thinks this is just a phase. part of me believes she will leave me very soon, or in fact would've already if it wouldn't be for the children.

Some of you know the truth.

I don't realize that I screw up sometimes, or that I really fail when I think I'm succeeding. No one cares about me anymore. And I don't blame them one bit. My mother is fake, just to get her problems fixed. I'm fake towards my mother to fix those problems. I am very vulnerable because I've gone from being a hard working man of society to a two bit hack writer who stays awake at night hoping that my wife won't leave me for one of the "male" friends she has begotten.

On the other hand, I pray that she at least lets me stay here so I can watch my children grow. I don't know where I went wrong. But I've seen some pretty terrible things lately, and I am tired of it all.

So this...my fellow readers will probably be my last entry. I feel uncomfortable talking about what hides inside me. My biggest concern is a child without its real father. I went through that when I was young.

And as the old saying goes...If you love something so much...let it go. Maybe it comes back to you.

I'm going to a Irish Pub tonight with my wife. I have some drinking to do. After that, the world ends. I want to put this out in the open so everyone knows the downright blue-collar truth. I would do anything for my family. ANYTHING. And if I have to leave my home to make them feel right again, I'll do that as well. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. What matters is those children.

I guess my fortune was right from last week.

"everything ends..."