THIS IS NOT MY LIFE

THIS IS NOT MY LIFE
An apology to all…
Let me start by saying that we all have darkness, we share it. Lately I’ve breathed it. I’ve recently downloaded Metallica’s new album Death Magnetic, and the first song entitled this was just your life leaves me with a rhetorical look on life. I think people take their lives forgranted. And they miss out on many great things. Waking up with my kids and being there for them isn’t routine. It’s magical. Being there day to day for my wife isn’t supposed to be repetitive. It’s supposed to be the light for all that darkness.

I recently snooped on my wife and found out that she’s done nothing wrong. It was I all along. You see, after awhile-married couples, or even unmarried couples that have been together for awhile-let time be their factor. When you grow comfortable with one another is often grand, but remember I think it’s necessary to always be alert and ready to customize your feelings. You see, I’ve learned in the past few days that if there is something wrong with your loved one concerning feelings, hardships or anything at all, it is best to get these things off your chest. After all, love costs heartbeats. They’re not free. Every beat is for something worthy. Make sure your heart doesn’t beat alone. It can be a lonely place.

I realized that as an author, I’ve not succeeded in life. A lot of people seem to like my work, others hate it. That’s no longer important to me. I have one more novel coming out in the future, and it’s my last. But I’m not writing anymore. This is something I’ve already completed. My wife made it clear to me not by her telling me, but by me reflecting on the past that I was to blame. All I ever cared about was books, signings, and other publishing atrocities. Sure I loved my wife, I’d do anything for her then, but I didn’t feel my wife. I didn’t feel her needs. I didn’t listen to her. When she just wanted to talk about her day, mine seemed more important. When she just wanted to watch television together, I was on the computer writing make believing romance, when I could’ve had the real thing.

What I’m trying to say is that love is not something you should take forgranted ever. I’ve learned that books and hobbies and striving to be wealthy and famous is not important. And what’s more important is that I already wrote a best seller. It’s the vowels I wrote for Johnna on our wedding day. Somewhere I lost sight of the real Eric Enck. The one who just wanted to have fun and be a family man. The working class (often psychotic) guy who can’t wait to get off work to be with his family.

I have that now.

I’ve given up writing, books and bullshit for what’s important to me and to Johnna, and that thing is us. And my advice is that the greatest commitment to love, is sacrifice. I think every one of us at one point or another has a cross to climb onto, and marks in our wrists.
Writing books used to be just my life.
But my life is so much more now. Books and business used to take the place of those heartbeats. But now …I can’t wait to see her every night and morning. I want to hold her so close to me. I want my wife and kids to be just my life.
I was so wrong…
But now I’m better.

I apologize to everyone who has had to put up with my troubles, and me and my immaturity. The selfish monster inside of me has died, and something else has come to birth.

As for being a dad, yesterday I went over to a friend’s house to get a bed for my daughter. A temporary fix. It’s a really nice futon. Not so nice when you bring it home in the pouring rain.
I also realized how much I enjoy smoking cigarettes, especially when Mason drives me crazy. It’s kinda nice.

Not so nice when you have to pick up over 300 butts off the ground…
Since writing has more or less consumed me over the years and now that I have my family back, I’m going to work at it everyday and do the right thing. Not because I want to, but because this is my life.
And I love everyone in it.

And I would die without Johnna. Every heartbeat I can hear now. And she's the one who makes it beat...

Eric Enck-